


Inevitable

by SullenSiren (lorax)



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-18
Updated: 2002-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-06 19:10:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/56875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorax/pseuds/SullenSiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time changes everything, and even the most precious days must end. Remus and James talk as their lives change, and old loves turn to new ones. When the smoke clears and love is ended, there's always one person left alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inevitable

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first try at both HP fanfiction, and slash fanfiction. Before embarking on a large and ambitious HP project that I've been mulling over, I started out writing a series of short, one shot scenes to get a feel for writing in Rowling's universe, and writing HP characters. Of all of them, this was the one I liked the best, even though it's the one that I least expected to write.

**Inevitable**

 

"Everything is changing." In retrospect, neither would be sure who had said it. The wind outside was howling. To the rest of the world it sounded like a menacing, wailing cacophony, to them it was a lullaby. Familiar and cradling, it spoke the words that they had never been able to; _"passion", "freedom", "forever", "reckless"._ The wind had a way with words. He envied it that.

"I love her, Remus. I do." It sounded like a statement, a simple fact. They both knew it was more than that. It was a challenge, an apology, and a plea.

"I know." It was the easiest answer and they both knew that, too. The other answers came harder, and they would change things that neither of them was ready to change. He could have said that he didn't love her as much, but that would be an insult and a lie. He could have said that she didn't need him as much as he did, but he was too proud. He should have asked if she made him thoughtless. That was Remus' gift. (_"I think, Remus. I can't stop. I envy Sirius, who never worries or thinks things through. His life is an impulse. I can never be like that. It's only here - with you - that my mind is quiet. You make me still._) He was afraid to know the answer, though. His gift, cherished and cradled during the long days when they were apart, would become meaningless if it was shared. "Does she know?"

"I don't think so." Silence, heavy and awkward. Outside the wind battered against the barred windows, demanding answers for the questions they couldn't ask. "Do you think I should tell her?"

A shrug, slight frame shuddering as slim shoulders rose and fell, "Lily would understand."

"How could she?" How could she understand when he didn't? Remus knew that's what James meant. But then, he always knew what James meant. "What will you do?"

He laughed, hollow and dark. The moonlight cracked its way through the storm clouds and glistened for a moment on white teeth that clacked together in a wolfish, mirthless grin. "I doubt it'd be any of your business anymore."

He felt him bridle, pull away. He could see the hurt in the set of his shoulders, in the nervous fingers that combed through his black hair. "I only meant-"

"I know what you meant." He watched for a moment as he drew the cloak around himself like a blanket. He disappeared beneath it, became just a pale profile framed by hair that blended with the darkness of the cabin. "I don't know James. You want me to say I won't go back to him? That I'll smile at your wedding and make my lonely way in the world? I can't promise you that. And you wouldn't want me to, even if I could."

"I know. And I'm not getting married."

"No. Not yet."

James turned to face him, and there was a strange accusation in his eyes. "You've always loved him."

Remus hadn't expected him to say it out loud. He never had. It was always there, that question. It was in the hands that stroked, knowing they weren't the first; in the mouth that burned, wondering if it was the one he thought of most; in the eyes that watched, searching for signs that they were the best loved. "I never denied that." And he wouldn't. He did love him. He always had. He loved them both. It was as much a curse as the one that twisted his body at every new moon.

James went quiet. Remus wished he would just speak. Sirius was so much simpler. He held nothing inside. Whatever he felt, whatever he wanted, it came out in a torrent of words and emotion. James went silent when he hurt, sought solitude when he was confused. Remus didn't know what he did. He knew them so much better than he knew himself, after all. "Is everything going to change?"

James was the strongest of them. They followed him - they always had. Remus was the intellect, cool and calm and well thought out, Sirius was the muscle, all sudden action and wild yearnings, Peter was the follower, they all shined a bit brighter because they were filtered through his eyes. But James was their heart and their center. To most people he was a strong shoulder, a charming smile, a mischievous mind. It was only here - in these few moments - that he let himself be what he thought of as weak and needy. He looked at Remus now with a liquid gaze, nothing hidden. He wanted to reassure him. To say that nothing would change. To say they would always have this, each other, these endless moments where they could drown in one another's presence. But it would be a lie. "Things always change."

He sighed. "You know, you used to just answer a question. Sometimes I think you're cryptic just to annoy me."

Remus smiled. "No. More to annoy Sirius than you."

He laughed, short and brittle, but still honest. The cloak fell away and he leaned forward, long fingered hands clasping together. "Moony . . . If you ask . . . I would . . ."

He closed his eyes. It would be so easy. The words were there. _"Don't do this." "Stay with me." "I love you."_ And he would stay, because he was James, because he would believe he was happy, because he wanted to make everyone happy. Instead he shook his head slowly.

"Why?"

He didn't want to open his eyes. Didn't want to see the hurt, the confusion, the anger. He didn't want to notice the way his hair framed his face, or how his hand fisted around the cloak. "Because if you wanted to stay, I wouldn't have to ask. Because this isn't real for you." It was for him. But he knew James. He would never resent Remus - it wasn't in him - but he would grow distant, sad, uncertain. James was never meant to stay with him. This was just a moment. Remus had always known that.

"You can't know that." He heard the doubt James was trying to disguise. He knew it too, just didn't want to admit it. Stubborn. Pig-headed. James had always been that, too. He and Sirius were even in that regard. Changing their minds was like trying to change a herd of cattle in the middle of a stampede - all but impossible.

"Yes, Prongs. I can." He smiled then, and opened his eyes. "It's alright you know. I see what's between you two. You love her, and that's a good thing. I always knew I wouldn't be your last you know." He winked, trying to lighten a moment that felt as heavy as lead.

He wouldn't let it be lighter. "I didn't."

"James . . . you did. And that's okay." He sat forward and caught a hand beneath the pale chin, turning his face so that it stared into his own. "I was your first. That was enough. It IS enough."

"I wasn't yours though."

He smiled again and let him go, his fingers memorizing the shape of his face, the texture of his skin. "Well no. But then, we all know I've been chased by men and women alike since I was a hapless first year. Animal magnetism, I suppose."

James laughed. "The only one who's chased you is Snivellus. And THAT was only because Padfoot stole his Potions notes and threw them to you."

Remus frowned. "Yes. Which reminds me. I got detention for that. I still owe Sirius for getting me in the middle of it. Do you still have that Instant Balding spell Peter found in Zonkos?"

James grinned. "He'll KILL you."

"We have a counter curse. Besides. He deserves it. You're forgetting the Herbology incident. I picked Invisible Worms out of my hair for hours."

He laughed and flopped down, laying on his back and staring up at the ceiling with that thoughtful expression that always made him want to trace the lines between his eyebrows. "Remus . . .?"

"Very good. You know my name. Five points to Gryffindor."

"Shut up." He rolled to the side and lifted his head onto one hand, staring at the floor as if it held the answers too many questions. "What will happen to us?" He rolled his head in a vaguely inclusive gesture. "All of us, I mean."

"Sirius will finally go over the edge and kill Severus and wind up in Azkaban, you'll die doing something ridiculously heroic, like taking on The Dark Lord by yourself with only a rolled up copy of The Daily Prophet and a cup of tea, and Peter will join the Ministry of Magic and become a corrupt politician then pretend he doesn't remember any of us."

James smiled. "And what about you?"

 

Remus shrugged. "I don't know. The world is my oyster, once I'm done cleaning up all of your messes, of course." He glanced down at his arms, seeing the ragged claw marked scars that curled pinkly across the bare skin. Nothing would happen to him. If he was lucky, Dumbledore would give him a teaching job. Where else would a werewolf be welcomed, after all?

"That's all we are to you, huh? Messes to be cleaned?" He hesitated, fingers tracing a pattern in the cloak. "Moony? Whatever happens, wherever we go . . . I'll always want you nearby. All of you. You know that right? That I . . . love you?"

"Yes James. I know." He would love her more though. Remus know that, too. "I'll always be there."

Another hesitation, long and drawn out, the words finally coming in a rushed cavalcade of uncertainty. "I won't mind, if you and he . . . you know. Get together again."

Remus smiled, a touch of bitterness in the expression. "I know." And he did. James wouldn't mind, not after a bit of time, anyway. Remus would always wish and wonder, James never would. He was almost jealous. "He's not ready for that. Neither am I. We may never be."

"He will. I know he will. He loves you. He's just-"

 

"Young." They were both so young to him, sometimes. He felt older, wiser, more worn down by cares and worries. Outside the wind whined and sobbed. The world was dark and heavy and Remus suddenly felt that time would take everything away from them, and leave him alone again. He hugged his arms to his chest and fought back the tears that threatened. Everything changes. He knew that. He just wished he didn't. "We should go back. Wormtail will be looking for us."

James nodded. "Yeah. We should." Neither moved. After a moment James shifted closer, his arms circling Remus with a slightly desperate strength. Remus let him, not hugging back. There wasn't an inch of space between them, but already he felt alone and abandoned.

Neither was sure who said it, but it hung in the still, cool air of the cabin, lingering long after the sounds of the whispered words had faded into memory. "I'm sorry."


End file.
